ah abit...i will miss you alot alot....

today is the 29th..Bit just passed away ystdy..It was very very sad...I will nv ever have anymore pet after this..It really hurt too much.Just by looking at all the pics of his just now bring back so many silly n sweet memories of him..I am not a good owner..Really feel v guilty being not able to spend more time with bit..He nv fail to respond to me whenever i call out to him..The ears will always stand upright when he knows i'm calling...hai,as i type all these..it really bring out too many memories..If you say he's just an animal,you are wrong..He's more then that.He may be fussy in his food,but he nv ever have any temper at all..He will nv bite..when he's really happy,he will run round n round in his cage..Whenever i scold him and ask him not to do some of the v noisy actions,surprisingly,he knows and quiet down.He always love to dig away all his "obstacles" beddings before he had a nice lay down on his fav corner..during my lowest point as a cabin crew,he nv fail to listen to all my grumpy talks to him..(though i doubt he understand la..)His fav biscuits are two type..One will b the bunnie carrot biscuit..and the other is my often my dad will offer,"SU DA BIN"..And both of it must be crunchy,if not he wont eat.He loves all the hay too..He hates some of the ugly colours pellets,cus to him its tastless..Pellets that are "listed" not tasty to him,he will nibble n spit out..Thats how unique n special he was..So many memories...too many...he may be naughty and noisy and even greedy at times....but he is the best ever companion i had so far in all these three yrs as a pet..The cutest thing he ever done is..There's this period of time he will run to the end of the cage to welcome me back when he hear i'm opening the door...For he knew..I am home.How sweet can that be..U will be missed bit..I am writing all these down becus in my heart you are a very special one..I dun wan you to be forgotten..even every single little bits u played..Thank u bit for all the time.


love you bit..born:21st Jan 2007..RIP:28th Dec 2009....

I really like JJ lin new song..第几个100天

我把爱铺成蓝天
让不安的你一抬头就看得见
我把心烧成火焰
让怕黑的你拥着温暖入眠
我晓得时间如雪有时候会覆盖一切
但是真爱一如倔强会重生的绿叶..

第几个100天还是很有感觉
用眼睛去素描你内心的世界
第几个100天也像刚热恋
两个人手一牵连命运都改变..

我把心烧成火焰
让怕黑的你拥着温暖入眠
我晓得时间如雪有时候会覆盖一切
但是真爱一如倔强会重生的绿叶
第几个100天还是很有感觉
用眼睛去素描你内心的世界
第几个100天也像刚热恋
两个人手一牵连命运都改变..

曾有的敏感脆弱
在我的胸口你就躺下来别说了
将有的固执冲动
我也会拥抱你安抚着体谅你心疼着wooh...

第几个100天越来越有感觉
用眼睛去素描你内心的世界
管过多少100天也像刚热恋
两个人手一牵连命运都改变
当守护变信念连泪水都很甜..

Oh So randoms..haha~!

haha...Merry Christmas aNd a HaPPy New Year to everyOne..Guess Wat my dad did oN the CHristmas DAy??He decide to give himself a facial..."eye mask"
Something to make you ppl laugh for the day(:
(he's gg to hate me for this..)

Due to some reasons..the funnie pic of my dad is removed~He Knows liao...):
but...ok la...show u guys something cute(:

to eat and sleep like that is a bliss..hahha..

Anyways,happy new year and a merry Christmas to everyoNe~!!!Love Hugs Kisses to all my lovely friends and family!!(:

快乐的定义

静下来终是让人清醒些。。。

有些事不执着。。反而更快乐。

这日子，有好多问号。。。

终觉得，事情总是走了一大圈。。又回来原点。

累。。

但我更明白。。

有时，一点点的快乐。。其实，是大大的辛福。

惜福吧~

i am very very sad..............true words from the heart

Offically i am locking my blog for good.i wont be allowing ppl to access unless you are close enough with me to see...i hate it.I am having a swollen cheek..a very bloated stomach i drag for 2 to 3 weeks..now a flu..Few weeks ago still have to go tru so many amendments on my teeth...i am tired actually..i am trying my hardest to hold it altogether..I hate what i am going tru now..yet i am still...holding..always put a very happy front..pretend nothing is wrong.Working even though i shld be resting.I am totally drained..burnt..

And i really dont know why i can be laughing so happily everyday..joking..pretend nothing is wrong is killing silently inside me..I really hate this character of mine.Keep thinking of others..concerning of others,wont do any good..Yet i am this foolish...I dislike ppl around me,to be unhappy...So somtimes i try to joke around even i may be feeling very down inside..I shld just stop all this isnt it...

Keep telling myself these few days..life has its down..its alright..its alright..I am just pathetic.Its just like repeating yourself lies after lies...Totally stressed out at work...yet all the stupid rules or just a most simple of human rights...are all totally gone.All i know is...i have to do this dat this that...again again..worst..is the worst is yet to come......WHat next when you are so packed with so many informations when you just started work...vacuum floor,wipe kids backsides..clean teachers cups..coach kids to their classes when they dont want to...wipe tables chairs..white board...i almost tink i'm no diff with a cleaner.i am applying for admin...in the end...its somehow a cleaner.Giving out flyers...a must in the job it seems..wats next..wats next..can u just tell me everything at one go...i am tired of guessing whats next.

At this moment...i am telling myself its okies to feel sad..U are already working very hard..you deserve a pat on the shoulder...though everyone may sometimes treat you invisible..but thats alright.You done your job.......Right now i deserve..to just let out my tears and vent out my sadness too isnt it.....Singing i am nv good enuf to let ppl see the good in me..I left becus i just cant understand the love of singing..can let all good frds turn to strangers..Being a stewardess,for i am always tinking of others,i always be the one kana bullied and do more....Being a kind soul,i may even travel all the way home from workplace..just to get the food i forget to bring for my workmate..yet to turn out in the end the person talk behind me..I always do things without any motive..or returns...Yet things always turn in the opp way..I am tired of being nice....you tell me how shld i just believe again.

can someone pull me out from all these stupid mess i am in now...i feel totally...like the value of shit now..to the bottom of the pit..cant get out.complete darkness.

累。。。

快乐可以很简单吗？。。。

我不知道。。我发现，知懂得前进，

不懂得往后退。。

真的会让一个人好累。

不想面对。。不当一回事。。。

只是个逃避。

累了。。就可以停下。。不去理会。。。？

我好想。。。但这世界往往不由得你。。

加油吧~。。

I Love this new singer voice...張婧.

This is actually music forest new singer..love this song and mv..張婧..i bet she will make it far.22yrs old...watch it ba~the lyrics am very nice too.



This mv super touching....

My blog turning rusty...time to update

okies...its been long long ago i update..life has been quite boring..Job suxz as usual.It seems to me that boss has been really pleased with me for some reasons..i haf no idea why too...haiz..I just wish my pay has been higher.I really trying my best to adapt to the pinch in my pay cut..from a stewardess to now~...I am tired of things at work..but i just keep quiet.Ppl keep telling me..."Ahya~!Where oso the same de la!"but if u really know what i am doing now...u will be just as sian as me...I AM SO....TIRED..try not to think may make matter feels slightly better.Yet,i just cant aviod it forever ritez.....

I am angry...sad...disappointed...all these few months trying to adapt has been tough.Lucky my work mate has been really nice and patient..i really thankful for that.Its her that makes me wan tahan..And i realise one thing:Virgos ppl hide their feelings very well...i am one i realise...through these one yr be it as a cabin crew or wat...i am so good at hiding it till sometimes i dont even know why i can change my face so fast...(Lol..thats scary isnt it)Environment does force ppl to change afterall.

Ystdy pluck out my wisdom tooth..thats why today has the time to write..cus i had a 7 days mc..Yet,i haf to be back at work on friday...boss has better see how much effort i am putting...if not i will go soon...i am trying my best not to...try try.....sad.

Old woman thoughts....

Sometimes i wonder...how much we can do..how far we can reach..we may do so much,yet some of us may just need double the strength or will to reach..what it seems like an easiest goal for some lucky ones.These few days,i just have no idea why...i am starting to really doubt what i haf been doing...

i looked tru all so whatever i haf done or obtain in life...its seems like all memories were broken pieces...even friends i made along the way..all now as i recall..yes,some are once closest to me...some are may even be a hi bye friends...all of it just form like some blurry memories to me..it seems so long ago even.And i have one problem,even if i really miss some of the closest ones i lost touched with...i nv bother to contact...i am just so lousy.or rather,i hide my inner feelings too well....dats explain why my real besties am just a few...and normally they last really long.

For me..i dunno why..being on this planet for past 22yrs..i suddenly have the urge and look back at what i done and reflect..i hate the idea of not able to wake up the next morning,and realize how little i accompliced in life...and how much more i shld contribute while living...i am so insane deep down.LOL..I am like an old woman living in a young body right now as i look at what i haf written...haha~CUS I JUST HATE WASTING MY LIFE AWAY~!!some random thoughts for today....

古董。。。。

我发觉。。

忙得真的很没意义。。。

上班回家。。回家，又上班。。。

这种日子好无聊。

无聊到发黄。。。发梅。。发臭。。。

我真的怀疑。。我快变古董了。

好想念。。好多疯慌的日子。。。

我想。。这就是“老人”的像征。。。

老了啦！！！！！！！！！（今天，被人说我生了孩子！！难过死了~！！）

是该打扮的时候了~！！！！

Been to a KTV session with chai~finally my off day

Today am quite happening la...very long nv see ah chai my bestie..so meet up for a ktv session with her!!!haha~As usual,we talked and crap alot la...Went bugis to shop abit..Both of us wanted to buy shoes actually..turn out nothing caught our attention over there.Haiz..Well in the end i bought some vitamins for myself and some skin products..Spend quite abit till now i feel a slight regret for that..(Cus dun knw if it works!)Oh man...Cux i am such a particular on my skin..I cant stand any more outbreaks..Or rather i am vain la..LOL.And..ever since i stop flying..my skin doesnt seem to go back like last time that gd..sad de la!!!!hopefully things will get better.

And i saw this 蔡淳佳,隱形紀念 MTV..so cute and touching..shld watch.(: the song am meaningful too~


Love this MV.....

We Own Our Story..Make It Meaningful..

haha..No idea why..i feel the urge to flip tru some old photos i had...that was then when i was a kid...Really feel so old all of a sudden by looking tru.Life has its beautiful meaning behind it i suppose..All of us are created to be each different exciting stories main character..Jus like any drama series or wat..stories normally end with their own endings..Be it good or bad,we had chosen it to end in their diff unique way.I suppose as long as we are all still a living being..Do something meaningful..Dont feel sorry on why u had done it..There's no chance in 2nd or 3rd chance at times..yet,we can all do something this minute..moment..that can change history or our own little stories we had..later part of life.So What Have You,Yourself..Done Today?

The Art Of Adapting...

For me life has a routine again...Work wOrk...and wOrk..my ang mo bosses am all quite nice to me..They have two really cute daughters..haha..Ex the small one..cute to the max~!!haha..She knows how to fake smile..as in when she smile she will flash me her whole set of teeth.(Nxt time gOt chanCe i wIll take photo of her and Post here..)

And well for me...the past week..i actually been missing my days of flying...Was having lunch that day at wOrk,by chance...i saw the SIA ad..i realize i miss flying v much..No idea why.But i dont regret quitting silkair..dUn get me WroNg..lol~Will i ever gO back flyIng again??....who knows..For now i just wan concentrate on doing my current job well first..the rest i dun wanna think,until....my job am more stabilised.

The past two weeks i had a tiring week..Heard of a few unpleasant stuff from my work mates..I try not to get affected.I wont...Must get my mindset rite..well....unless,i kana the unfair treatment.hope not...So basically now..i plan get my job stable liao..so i can pick up my hobby~singing...once again...i dun know..Now planning le..Today suppose meet ah chai to discuss,but...she's kana fooD poison sia..How shuay..Hope she's ok liao lo~~

Horrible..have had enuf of everything.

Ever feel like waking up one day...and wish u have nv wake up at all....this moment..i am feeling excatly like this...i am so utterly sad n disappointed in my surroundings...till,i wish i nv get to see..feel..look..If i am born a dumb,..a deaf..maybe this earth wouldn't be so ugly isn't it...cuz this earth consist of so many ppl..and the ugliest ppl...are all around me now..it disgusts me to the max..the closest to you,in the end may not even be the one who really show concern.I dont understand..i will nv will....All these...make me think maybe having a shorter life maybe good afterall......this earth has too many things to be concern of..too many worries...and so many disgusting ppl existing.....i am really sad...try not to think...be a nicer person thinking i can change things...yet it prove that its all shit..Now i know...The mind is clearer then ever..Things force me to become a changed person.......force me to see things and accept the hard reality of life...Nv mind walking a longer way..I will make my way there..Be it alone..No one to support...My mind is strong..I wont fall.Thats..for sure.

Mum N Sis~ am Back..(:

Alright man~!My sis n MuM cum back from xiaman today!damn happening,they went wif my aunt n uncle close to 9 days there.I didn't even realise today is the date they are back sia..lol..ANyways glad that they really enjoy themself..kind of miss my mum naggings..my sis snore at night..lol.And most importantly,i dun need to cook anymore...wahaha!happy lo..everyday i am like a housewife sia..keep the house clean..sweep the floor..cook..etc..I realize its so tiring la..by the time u finished everything,its like already evening..(-.-)"'...

Been hearing my mum excited voice for the past few hours just now..haha..my dad seem exceptionally happy just now too..(guess he oso miss my mum nag like me..haha!)Okies..i guess life will be back to normal tml..feel kind of lazy to blog more right now..so lack of sleep..everytime slp at 4am..okies..a pic to update on my mumn sis trip.


haha~~~!!!i chose a damn happening pic..the wind am so strong that my mum n sis had a new hairstyle..LOL

...I want "myself" back..

突然。。。感到好厌倦。真的不喜欢为了别人的眼光而生活。好想认认真真，再回去。。
dunno why..i suddenly feel i am wasting so much of my time...
i really think life is short..
i do not want to waste anymore..
its either i lose it big time...
or never...

ya..i manage to find a job in related field..I really sick of all the negetives around me..
So sick i almost feel like asking them to mind their own business..
I owe no explanations to anyone...
I just want to be happy..
an indiviual who thinks life am too short and unpredictable for u to feel any kind of regrets...
I hate explaining to ppl why i wan do this or that...its the same routine again and i again i am facing....
Sometimes i really have no idea why ppl can spend their time on others ppl biz..yet,not more on themself.......

These few years i passed my life in a very drama way..i am tired of thinking for others...i am spending too much time worrying too many things...Its time i get some serious thoughts and actions in what i want to do..I will do it,and no hesitation.

...Dont push me around..

I realize one thing today...

I am a person who looks so "chin chai"..that ppl like to take me for granted,
who thinks i have zero temper...
who thinks they understand me,but they are all wrong..
who think of things that can benefit them,but zero for others..

i realize i am so dumb...
All of a sudden..i really thing everything start with a motive...
ppl who treats u nice..ppl who get close to u...all start and end..
with something that benefits them..

I have my temper..When i dont show it doesnt mean that i dun care..
Its jux that i had hide it well...
I am not as native as u think...
Its jux that i hide it well so that,sometimes being "blur"..can be happier..
I know who treats me in their true self...who bother when i am at my lowest point..

For those who dont..
Dun even try think u can gain any benefits from me..thinking i am Ms Ok everytime...
I have my limit of tolerence...
The minute gets there..
I will make sure to keep myself a real distance..
gaurd myself with a diff kind of coldness...
Deep down,i am disgusted.

Sometimes...being busy can be fun.

ystdy had been a very busy aftern..cmpy my mum go chinatown that area to change her money to china dollar..lol..I went a big round at the complex opp OG jux to find the highest rate money changer..wah..i really stupia..turn out its jux rite outside the complex..-.-"'....lol~Okies,and the queue am soooooo long until...wah~!!bo bian jux queue lo!haha~cmpy my mum awhile,then off i go to find ping & bin..(My cousins) at little india..

Its getting v near the indian festive season..So..its basically around this time i will also start showing my face at my cousin's dad shop..helping out.haha~It sound strange,but my uncle is a chinese selling all indian clothings..My cousins are both there,so..there were alot of usual gossips,craps..rubbish when we meet up..haha~I am forever entertained,listening to their stories...Had a fun time last night,though it was tiring la..And after we close shop,all of us with my aunt,went serangoon garden n ta bao FooD..(: Satays..hokkien mee..osyster..etc~(Of cux,in the end,i end up staying in their house overnite..lol,as uaual~!)

Thats my v happening day at little india..haha~There is more to cum though..Guess while i am searching job,its also no harm to keep myself busy..at least i feel more useful..Staying at home,doing nothing is killing me slowly lo!haiz..(at the v least,my rabbit will be keep out of reach for me to "torture" him..wahaha~!)

Pick up the pieces..Put it together.

Mood of the day...

disappointed..

must pick up my sense of direction again...

where's my courage..
gone..?
i feel like giving up..

but if i do,i am such a loser..

Soon..i will have the answer.
If i still like what i did...

First thing..Feel,breathe,..be positive.

Its hard,but without this..i will topple..
I wont..I cant..jia you hui..U need alot of courage..
walking alone..jia u..

Really grateful on my grp of wonderful frds..

lol...been really lazy lately..Dun feel like blogging too..damn sian..life been a routinue of finding jobs,going to intervw etc..hope to find it asap la~haiz..I realize i cant be free for long..I Need To Work~!!!I cant stand anymore minute at home,cux its getting damn boring~!!!Guess i am too used to being v busy working when i was then a crew..The minute it stop,i feel empty sia~~(GOD I NEED A JOB I LOOK TO EYE OF~~)

Well time to update where i haf been on my birthday(:Its been a happening day..haha,imagine i 7am then reach home..my mum doesnt even knw its this late..wahaha~i cover up perfectly.Anyways i was wif my grp of sec sch frds we still keep in touch with..there's weili,meihui,melia,jas..ah wend..and me!(:That morning went for swimming,with ah wend n melia..haha..basically i nv swim much as usual..i float alot though..then in the evening it was then my birthday dinner at marche(VIVO)..lol~Really no idea where to eat la..Anyways,ah wend came quite late cux of ah ma birthday..and jas too..BUT i still wanna say thanks and i really appreacite the effort u guys took to come...ex ah wend la..the gift and everything..

And some words here i wanna say to ah wend tru here..If u happen to read this,all this are what i wanted to tell u..That day all of us had a good long chat..I already know u been avioding this "topic"..U pretend like the break up nv really happen or play an impact..As a close frd,i know it hurt..and that day when u finally cry,i feel at least better..Cux u are such a person who dun show emotion even when u are sad..Wend u are a very amazing and strong person..I oso wan say that dun feel sad u cant have a good celebration on my 21st..really....Ya,i feel disappointed..But that was then..Its the thoughts that count.Even if nobody know how to appreacite such a traditional and always cheerful wend,i do k!!U got this frd always for u(: JIA U~~!!I really so bad in expressing myself..haha~Hope u somehow understand what i say(:Go listen 周华健 friends...haha~~!!!so Random~~!!!

Thank u to all the wonderful evening...some pics













Ah Wend Jia U~~!!!!!

Will go back to the thing i love soon..A matter of time

Today happening ar...But jux dunno why kinda spoilt cux of my very very tired me..Omg lo..really have No~Idea~Why..this few days am sooo tired??Its not as if i not enuf rest..In fact its more then enuf..Okies meet up wif jen after soooo long to see her v v Cutie Pie Baby Elly!!haha~I get so frighten when she cried everytime when i hold her!The panic look on me is like an entertainment to Ah wend and jen la..LOL.Still...she is very adorable la.(:

Hmm..time to update what has happened to me these past few days resting at home..been to a few intervws.Not very exciting ones..haha.Kind of salah actually..though they want me..But still...i reject.Cux i am really sick of changing..So sick that i am being really like extra careful in any jobs i take le..My bestie Ah wend says i m fussy though..lol..gal i am a virgo,and they(me) tend to be slightly fussy..hahaha..

Well..during this period..Ah wend actually suggest going for composing class..She wants take piano lessons once again..Something inside me trigger as well...Thats singing...Really feel like taking singing all over again..I just purely want to sing..thats as simple as that.Last year i left this passion of mine..want so much to throw it one side..Cux at the moment,I hate it so much..HATE(In Caps).Feel as if i am so lousy in it,that i am actually disgusted wif myself..haha..drama?but its true..i suppose i try too hard le..totally depressing at the point of time.Feel as if no one knows it..No one to help...When i left..i took alot of courage..afterall 5years...

I started when i was 17 that year..Why i start??haha..I saw peter tan in this trial lesson held 5yrs back..I thought..Wow~What a powerful delivery of song!!I was very amazed..I was wif Ah wend,bfang then..haha..It was around there when MC open as well.Memories~~In the end the two of them nv join me..I sign up singing class,alone(Not knowing i sound how bad in singing)hahaha...It was there i know tammy(a very quiet gal),ernest(a very friendly guy),sharon(a gal who quit halfway..)....

So the story continue and i really cant believe..Time pass jux like that..So many left,till after 3yrs..i am left alone having lesson wif peter.ha..Great teacher..Alot of interesting lessons wif him..He really taught alot..And i guess he nv know,i was actually touched when he say during one lesson..Do you know you really improve alot?This one sentence till now i still keep in my heart..for he's one who nv really praise at all..I know deep down i improve..Who don't when one keep going ktv every week jux to train her pitch..I was nv good..it was a very difficult process...No one knows..ha..i can keep going till that particular ktv waiter/ress,are all my friends..i was crazy.Thats me when i set my mind and do something...

Then the age of 20..somebody i dun even know initally tell me.."I think you have a very rare low tone.."and yes...i believe..and so the 2nd person tell me the same thing..I believe....Going to the recording etc...I believe them again..Not even knowing how truly true in their words they said then..I believe..For i really like singing so much..I dun care a damn anymore..but i left..after a year...What make me leave?I was nv in their list i realise..its all verbal..I put total trust in them too fast...Telling myself lies..console myself..yet then..they nv really sit down and chat wif me this matter again...Never.The great disappointment make me totally gave up in the end.I didnt even try to work hard anymore...I nv show..doesnt mean i dun care..at all.Till now..well i bet i being left long forgotten..its been a year.Yet it seem so long ago..ha.

But..leaving the passion i am so crazy about..I will soon pick it up again..I will want to enjoy the process of learning again..haha..I know i jux love to sing purely..Who cares about my low tone anymore..haha..I JUX WAN TO SING!!!

feel so tired...No idea why................

Omg..watch this..so crazy...(-.-)"'

Okies..kind of lazy to update this few days..so tired.I got no idea wat hapen to me..I feel so damn tired in daylight..But cant get to slp though at night..Yes..And for the past 3 days..i slp only at 4am..i cant get to slp!!its like omg la...i am juz like a walking zombie in the day..):i tink its really am the after effect of the result in staying for quite a while in stupia airline..muz faster switch back..Argh..H~E~L~P.....

I think i will miss my fun days...i need to find a job asap

Ppl...i jux dunno wat i m hesitating...the lack of any calls from interviewers,make me worry simply everyday..Yes,i am still sending my resume..cux i am scare..i am scare that i cant provide more for my family next time..it cant be possible to take a 1.4k or 1.5k pay in long term..My family needs me,and i know i must buck up.i cant fall...i wont and never will..Days in airline ending very very soon...To me..its either i will be taking a long break after dat..(jobless)..or i myself take a huge step in being an insurance agent or a property agent...


Days are coming nearer...the days i can play n pass in airline am so little..Ya...It is..and i Fear..Really fear...

..everything seems so wrong..

i had enuf..why dont ppl around me jux back off..shut up if u feel like commenting something nasty..shut up if try even to think of me as a laughing clown..i am going tru a very difficult period now.I owe no one any explanations..and for your information,if i am such a clown,you are no difference by saying all that as well..Spare a thought for others when u ppl out there say a thing...Laugh for all you wish..Cux if u think i give a damn,i dont..i am going to make sure i get a better life nxt time...i wont be defeated so easily..i hate it..i hate it so much i jux wan to escape..have a place of my own..and nv am i going to return...i feel very sad and hurt deep down..but i am one idiot who dont even show it...i will laugh it off,pretend nothing ever happened....but who cares for me i know..but reailty afterall is reality..The number of ppl caring at your most difficult times,..sadly are so much lesser compared to ppl who laugh at you when you are down..if you have been this spot before,spare a thought...if not,fUck off.

finally...i found the courage to tender...

yes..i did it ystdy..i finally did it.Walking a big big round,finally i understand what i want.Deep down,i found my answer.I feel a great sense of relief.In life,nothing is more important then finding a direction for yourself.If u are lost,what u do will forever be meaningless...I know many of u friends out there keep telling this is wrong..that is right etc..But truthfully speaking,May I know wats the definition for the word..RIGHT??I just know that,i know what i am doing and heading to..please do not worry for me.

Well..ystdy after tender the letter,the new mcc nv mention anything much..except ask me straight abt my bond money indirectly...i was like wat the *** lo...how sian right..you work really hard for the company..then the result am so wu qing when u are going to leave..tml i am supposed to go see her after my flight..if she really concern she will ask..and i Will..say Out worD by Word how disgusting and horibble all the "behind the scene are.."when you ppl are in the office enjoying the air con etc...have u ever how many ppl up there are working like hell..how many ppl getting bully everyday..but sadly dun even dare to speak out a word..do you ppl even bother ask the welfare of the juniors..we ppl are humans..but you will nv imagine how inhumane ppl are being treated up there..Cry??i am one good example to learn that tears could only flow backwards after since i cum in.yes i admit..i cry once on board..and thats the last one..cux i learnt.

Through so many months...saw and experience countless things..i still i am quite blessed as in..i get to see alot of other countries ppl and different experiences on flight.Examples like..a maid so afraid of being send back home to yangon,she went bersek on flight..she rush to us,bend down cry..and even scream..its really very sad.A mother with two kids..during meal service,fainted at business class area..i saw the lifeless n v white body of her...with a v frantic crew in charge..beside her,her two young kids,cried until v jia lat.At that very moment..I got goosebumps..I cant believe if she was to pass away..how very fragile life is...(she was alrite in the end)then a pax from china...i rmbr how she had a non stop nose bleed from the start to end of flight..her face was so pale..i tell u..the flight was chaotic then..cux we are stuck.we cant push back as she was being help by the doc at the back..but..i am proud to say,that flight all crews Really Help each other.Thats the spirit then..lol.There's alot more stories to say still....etc.the experiences are really unforgettable...put aside the very tiring and horible days at times...

Ending my chapter as a crew soon..I am one toughie now i must say.Nothing can stop me or break me down..Thanks to all the countless scoldings,thick skinned moments(lol),and countless of dangerous moments too..(Mr Bad Wheather)And not forgetting my dear batch mates...i will miss them.

Such a useless creature...thats me.

..Very tired..I jux so tired deep down..Appear like i care..actually i dont..keep thinking this maybe what i want..turn out i walk a big round to realize..its not.I jux want to have a peace of mind.A day free of worries is wat i wan..Yet,things are disturbing me non stop....Life..is like,cux u want that thing..so u go and work hard for it.Ya..I did.Juz like any other ppl out there..ppl who really know.I tried...maybe even more then anyone can imagine...and..turn out...working hard doesn't pay.Doesn't.......Such a useless me..I am one.Give up..defeated...Don't feel like thinking juz on any other matter anymore.........or it may turn out,me..alone walking back to point..zero.

*sIgh..My Leave Ending already...

Ppl..I jux cant believe it..My leave ending too soon..too fast..!It was as if ystdy i jux started my leave.Time really doesn't wait,and will nv would..Tml will be my last day of leave.After which...well...back..to..work..All the rushing for flights..sleepless nites..worries for bad wheathers..fear..phofia..etc~XIn Ku..But must really endure..I tell myself..endure more.I wouldn't want to pay so much..I dunno know.It was not a small amount..Maybe a few mths later ba..sigh.(Outside market is not good at all..)My many bills to pay..etc..cant afford myself to leave jux like dat.

Life goes on and go jux like that..My leave week is actually a week for me to give some serious thoughts on what i want..excatly..I am such a person who hates having no personal goal.To me..I strongly believe,everyone of us out there..comes to this world..with a purpose to full filled..Life is not to be wasted.Its how you want to accompliced..Somehow..deep down i already,have had some answers for myself......

Still remember when i was young i had wanted to be a doctor..ha..I am such a person who hates to lose..HATE(in Caps)lol~If there's any competitions,i would be in it...(And..I will make sure my team,or me..get in at least 1st or 2nd..)It sounds like i am such a "tao ren yan" child..haha~Still remember..when i was in primary 6..just because i cant stand an auntie whose daughter..(well,she always get in 1st for maths in our class)..That auntie Nv(I tell u NEVER) fail to show off in front of my mum..Couldn't stand it any longer,i work hard..i make sure i work v hard.So hard i almost finished the whole huGe(Scary HuGe..LOL) Pile of assessment books..In the end..I got wat i want...haha..childhood memories~I bet alot of kids hated me then..I was such a "tao ren yan" kiddo..

Thinking of all these..I must admit i change so much over the years..So much....I am no longer so "hao shen"..The only thing i nv change..i afraid is my stubbornness..Once decide..I wouldn't change..Or will nv turn back..If i do..something must have hit me real hard.lol~Dunno why suddenly so many "gan chu.."
ha..Aging makes one think more huh...Not young le...its time..la~la~la....lol..How about ppl out there..?Any Serious Thoughts How u Want Ur life to be..A decision now may even change..how ur life would turn out to be..(Gosh..I sound like an old lady..haha..)

...Back..Its Time.

sigh..These few days am so vex i think i m breaking apart pretty soon..Yes,its true i tend to think on the worse everytime..(cux things doesn't turn well v often..)i keep telling myslf to focus on my work so as to rest my mind abit..its nv easy.3wks..i left 3 weeks to decide..to go..Or not to..Time is like making a race with me.Not good at all..I feel v empty..Its my leave now,yet i wasn't making things easy for myself..For i know myself too well.If i m left facing decisions that i hate to make..i will tend to escape..I hate facing it.Who likes anyway...

Today supposed to be a happy day though..Saw my old classmates..Feel pretty strange though..Maybe cux of my foul mood,deep down..i nv enjoy..Tried hiding it..Pretending to be happy is such a tiring chore.(I am jux like a Ms Grumpy today...)Wendy..the forever goodie frd lend me a listening ear though..Thanks..Hope she really like that two gifts i get from the airport..LOL..Its so rushy that i get it,ten minutes before i go to the gate for my flight..(I tried my best gal...)

Anyways...tml will be my 2nd day of leave..Hope i will wake up in a more cheery mood.God..Please give me less worries and more enlightenings..lol..Greatly appreciate!

..Its been a long time i update...

..Yeah ppl..Today is my stand by period..A boring day..Lucky no one call up YET..(keeping my fingers close)My fear of flying getting greater on every flight..Its this bad..Not dat the crews are not nice or wat..its..the..bad..wheather..I am getting so tired of experiencing again and again..The last time i ever experienced is enuf..Till now i can still remember the whole scary scene.All the crews scream(real loud)..follow by a loud "blong"..in one sec..i was making landing announcement..the next second..i saw two of the crews flying on mid air v high..i dun even know what exactly happened..daze..shock..i was fine..but my fear got worse.(In my heart..I am so so tired of my job....)

I want to get out..and i am stuck..i am totally sick of all these bad experiences i had..its this bad that at times..the fear make me feel like puking everytime before work.I am enduring all these..Keeping myself together..Console myself i will be fine....i will be..sigh.

Dunno why..every time i encounter all these..i suddenly wish i nv really quit my music at the first place..It was so much happier..even when there was dispute last time..i will soon forget..As it was nothing really that serious..One performance after the other..All the fun and laughter.All i concern was how i sing it right..and then well..things happened..and i left..for good.Gone for the new enviroment..and..so,i am here where i am today....regret.regret every time i thought of all the fun i had then...Till now i nv really get in contact with anyone there..Miss some of closer frds i made then..wonder how they are doing.........sigh.

I guess that life sometimes..U never know what u missing out..until u regret...after cuming into this job..the good thing is..i learnt to cherish..every small little things around me..i love my family more...i learn of letting go alot of things..Sometimes being simple..can make u the happiest person on earth...Be easily contented ppl..Its hard in this complicated world..yes..we learn.....


this earth am so small from the plane....

Ppl...i am not happy...at all.

So long nv update my blog....i feel so sian of working almost everyday..even on all my weekends..i still have to face all the same rountine work..all the nonsence..all the pax(whether nasty or not..)i feel like a maid.jux dat maybe i am paid much higher..So many complains right..yet,i am still stuck here.nowhere to run..Even if i hate it,i have to face it..Smile to ppl u dislike..say thank you to those who backstab u..sometimes i work so hard till..i forget i didnt have my meal the whole day..kana so many things ever since i start working this job...all nowhere to vent..endure endUre n endure..kana pax give me a v nasty stare as if i owe them alot..PPL i am v v tired...............dont feel like blogging for the time being again.......away~away..~awaY.

Mood..Bored..saMe routine job come back Once Again.

hey ppl..ever feel like waking up one fine day..knowing that its a bright morning once again...yet,u jux dun feel like waking up..at al.Damn sian rite..u feel like lying there longer in bed..and,the fact is..U cant.Hate it that much that i reaLLy need to get back to work once again..And..be that "pretender" again.Totally not me..stupia~I feel as if my smile is going to crack n scatter all into pieces on floor..(its this bad)

Back once again in my job..well these two days all the crews am nice la..but not the pax..long story..And of cuz..the one i hate most..Bad Bad wheather.haizz..I exspecially sensitive to this sia..Take for example today..I was on the way back from PLM.When..WoooHOOO~~i had a "ride" man!!Being able to feel urslf flying am bad enough..yea..guess what..I saw my galley crew flew and kana flung towards the aft door..in jux a few seconds.Cux its was a v sudden and bad one la..Imagine jux someone flying in front of u..its scary.Lucky she's experienced enuf to grab to the door.As for me??hahaha~~I was practially "hugging" to s3 seat..b4 i faster take the seat la..lol~

Thats about all la..haiz..still i cant wait for my leave to come again..haha..ohya..The air france plane crash a few days ago..sad rite..really really depressing in the sense that 228 ppl all perished..no one survive.Dunno why..this makes me linked to an incident happened a couple of mths again..A pax i still rmbr told us she's one of the survival from a plane crash..a few yrs back.she was so scared that i had to be the one siting beside her upon landing(Sec crew)..to actually console her nothing to fear..everything am alright.She was not holding my hand..she was so scared,she..grab tight.Well,of cux we landed safely la..Yet she ask me this question till now i will try to escape.."Don't u fear death at all...?"..At that very moment..I juz paused.Its not i don't..its cux i know this is my job..i..should know..(and sadly)..be prepared.

Watch this..So sad sia..Angry why the owner can do this

He was alright then the next day.....


So inhuman....They left the dog just like that......dead.

Sigh...sad la this dog..and this scene..All happened in malaysia as the person claim in the video...

..Today my last day of leave..ArhhhX!

So sad~~!haiz..Omg i cant believe my leave is coming to the very end already..I need to wait another 1 to 2 mths when i can have my leave again..sOb~..Ystdy get to stay at my cousins Ping N Bin huse though..Its been quite sometime i went stay over..Went and see my mother side Ahhh maaa..lol~she seems to look older then before sia..haiz..she was sleeping when i saw her.Time can really make one age that fast..Kind of sad isnt it..The rest of day passed v fast too..siGh~we went jalan kayu and eat the nice beancurd..haha..Had a fun time over there la!!ooohhh..haha..Laugh non stop there..Hmm~~I was "playing" instead of eating most of the time..

yupz yupz..tml is my stand by period once again..HaIZZ..dun wish to get back to work lo~~whhhhhhyssss..wat to do rite..No work means No pay..tml nida to drop Ms K mc once again..haha..My Zhu Tou gd frd.She's good lo!Now dun know in which part of phuket or thailand already..Alright..Back To Work Tml!!Hope i dun get call up~~Pray hard n V very..hard.

By the way Ppl..watch this..Susan Boyle One Last Performance In Finals..

Went to see patrick..insurance agent..finally~

happening la today~!haha..First time go and see patrick after 6mths..I think he's patient am damn good oso!haha..(cux i nv reply him at all until recently)Now work abit more stable le,then i dare buy..Anways its sooner or later tingy..right now i'm pretty tired.okies..the whole afternoon was listening to him about this investment kind of savings..its consider quite good in the sense that i can "freeze" it while i m back studying..bad is..the amount can go up..or down anytime,depending on the market..when up,i can choose to sell or wat..hmm..However..the greatest is..erhm..well..touch wooDs,my parents get quite a lump sum once i(ChOy!)died..Still thinking on it now~........

Alrite..Now for the Most Happening Of all part for today..wahah~My cousins and i,after that insurance tingy,we went..bugis dat latest shopping mall arcade and try our luck on that machine on icecreams..guess wat..we got two magnium icecreams..yea~haha..i dont know why..but i dun feel so excited at all..haha..still rmbr i use my first two coins on that machine..woohoo,yeah..it came up two almond choco de..meibin was screaming like hell beside me as if she strike lottery..haha..meiping..as she claim,she was hitting the machine non stop when she saw the ice creams were caught.haha..funny la~should see the whole scene..two v excited n screaming ladies with a v cool me staring straight at the two ice creams..(As if my eye power helps..haha~)Alrite..below are all the pics for today..(:


Thats Bin N Ping MY tWo Crazy Cousins like me..wahaha~


Okies,thanks to Ping..I dun look prepare on this pic..lol~


hahaha~Thats Bin..Was saying abt something when she pose for the camera like this..


Ended our day..with..haha...Powerful magniums..

Watch This Ppl~Susuan Boyle in Semi Finals..

I find her journey amazing la..LOL..Her version of memory m good too.(Just tat her start abit shaky)Enjoy..An amazing voice inside this woman..Nothing beta to do again..haha~upload this.Hee~(:

I like this song 简单..郭静's new album..(:

..Hmm,was happened to look tru her new album 在树上唱歌..when i saw this song..Its Nice la~!love the lyrics as well..hee~Suddenly feel like going ktv and sing already..So long nv touch a mic..Hand v v itchy!!Good music always make me feel happy..haha..Miss the happy moments that was then in music school..I move on..明白。。放下。。



简单 - 郭静


到现在才明白
原来爱不能够重来
该习惯左手心握着一点遗憾
我的心在等待
望着窗外独自发呆
想起来所有关于你的存在
天空那么宽 回忆在倒带
留一点空白才能学会释怀

想念的简单让这星空好像特别灿烂
幸福很短却浪漫 心中的简单
总在了解之后才被填满
快乐回忆 有你在不孤单


我的心在等待
望着窗外独自发呆
想起来所有关于你的存在
天空那么宽 回忆在倒带
留一点空白才能学会释怀

想念的简单让这星空好像特别灿烂
幸福很短却浪漫 心中的简单
总在了解之后才被填慢
快乐回忆 有你在不孤单

can you see tonight?
今晚夜色好像特别灿烂
幸福很短却浪漫
心中的简单
总在了解之后才被填满
快乐回忆有你在
我不孤单..

Ended today with ah bin and ping again~LOL..again.Friday meeting the v patient patrick~!!woohoo..hahaha~last time work with great eastern boss..Wonder is he the same as b4..hMmmm..

A Fun day...ended up with a Blur Me..haiz

...Its been a long long time ago i last seen jenifr n ah wend..Omg~damn happie la today get to see them..Exspecially jenifr..her stomach is huGe!!aahaha..(7th mths liao le..her baby elly..)Anways..today dat auntie wend v wuliao lo..haha.truout the trip jux kip touching jenifr stomach like as if she is some rare creature..Sometimes its really a blessing to have this auntie frd of mine..No matter how or what,she will somehow make me laugh..even at the lamest things she did.

As for wat we did today..haha.first stop,to our seoul garden at bugis..(:All three of us damn long nv eat this liao..jenifr nv really eat much though..In the end,its me attacking the food.(Dun wan waste ma)Feel v fat now..haiz.After which..guess wat~~we go n eat n rest again at Xin Wang lo!!gosh..Ful Ful n Very Full~Well..and due to auntie wend constant nagging..we went arcade n see her tigger as well.hahaa..lame sia~its the 1st time i saw tigger not with strip but..SpoTs.Tried getting it too..gave up and..WE PLAYED MARIO KART!hhaa~~so funnie and fun!!ex wend's HENG HENG..(looong story)hahaah..

ohya..btw..I got my laptop a nEw LoOk!Did it at cathay wif 88bucks..Okie la,cheaper then Gmask by 1buck.LOL..Went home damn happy wif my new bedsheet i buy too..In the endddd...feel v v v gulity now ppl.I self declare myslf as the most stupia n blur person on this planet la..I threw my frd mc that i m suppose to help her hand in tml!!omg..i treat it as receipt..how stupid can one be..?!now v sian..tml got course..dun tink le..Below is todays "happenings.."What a day~


This Jenifr only pic i have of her..she hate taking pic):


This is the auntie ah wend n Me!!haha~


Our hands..Buzy wif food at seoul~



Ah wend at Xin Wang..Ever ready posing for my camera..lol


okies..the green carebear is HENG HENG..Wend v proud of green creature..hahaha~~

Keelung xiang~~haha..My Idol...

Nothing better to do decide to upload these damn funnie video from u tube..LOL..Have fun laughing..(:

..GoD..I nEed Extra stRength..(Tired to the mAX)

..Todays a Sat~~Tml is the 3rd day flight i will be doing..Gosh..I feel damn tired la!!Went and watch Night at the museum 2 after my LGK flight..hahaha..So funny la that stupia show..I love the two monkeys exspecially.Hee~However..Guess wat?I cant help but fall aslp during the show.U can jux imagine how veRy tired I am!Somemore its at the funnie parts i tend to doze off!!argHH~Bo Bian..Cmpy my mum n sis go watch..If not i cant think of any other days we will be free.Haiz..

Anyways my flights these few days are okays..except for bad wheather as usual..LOL.Been doing S4 the position..So had to be seated at overwing hatches dat area.(Light load ma~)And..Today a female pax who seat behind me(when landing)..scream abit..(not v loud la)Why??the plane jux dash into these patch of dark clouds..and jux sank v in v drama way..I can feel my whole butt floating on "air" at a split second!hahaha..my butt was floating away from my seat la~~lol."shiok" ritez..my seat belt cant even save me from experiencing this exciting moment..haiz.(use to it le)After dat..everything was fine..Phew.

Ohya..I went shenzhen on friday..As now the H1N1 getting serious ma..Everywhere was taking precautions..Upon touching into the country..(3mths nv fly there le)..Ground staffs start coming in with..??haha..I was laughing quietly when i saw what they are holding..Its a video cam recorder~!wow..I was confused la.And they eventually explained tat..they need it to show they done their job in taking down all the cabin crews temperatures..(thks lo..hahaha.Zoom in to each n our faces..sure look v hUge in It)

Hmm~~Thats about all that had happened these few days..(:Life though boring at times..But its jux a few little things happen everyday that somehow make u smile straight from ur heart..Life can be simple yet happy at times.I dont ask for more..Juz wish that everyone i care n know am leading their lifes happily..and that everyone's healthy.

WatcH The Drama..Poor Xiao Zhu

Ystdy night was looking at the you tube..Initally wanted to update myslf with the latest yu le bai fen bai(I like the show,no time to watch)..when i happen to see that Xiao Zhu tingy again(Facebook..chatroom etc)..feel really angry though i wasnt excatly his fans.You guys should even see the china entertainment show fake act..(Damn Fake!!)They feedback after Xiao Zhu cried and carify everything on show.
Part One And Two..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXZaX793kMU&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8JGLO3WEMI&feature=related

ends with the feedback from china that media..(-.-)""
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAEOMg_7BGs&feature=related

Everything am so drama..U can even see that china presenters "trying so hard" to gain tong qing fen..Wow..the entertainment industry works wonders sia~haiz..Poor Xiao Zhu..Hope this drama mama tingy faster get over..Likes to see that crazy xiao zhu back in show again..Anyways I got India flight today!!!!OMG.."Best"..Hope its a smooth and good flight.

My psp offically spoil..And I Bought a hello kitty pouch!!!

Sianz..Nothing to do this morning,decide to go shopping alone..(Cux got my pay le ma.LOL)Ystdy argue with ah ping lo~over my psp.Lucky she nv buy in e end too.its like really spoil le la!!I "dig" it out to realize not only the batt lousy,my charger all cant use like dat..haiz.didnt know its so jia lat.okies la,if use..it hangs.(-.-)"'

Anyway if u hapen to read this post ah ping,sorry la.I know i am such a flicker minded person(ahem..)as usual..Think of it,u nv buy mine good lo!LOL..So lag le lo my psp.Anyways..today i give my ds a brand new look with a hello kitty pouch..!!With a upload of many games ar!wahaha..I realize i like the mouthless creature more n more..hmm~(:

Went shopping in body shop too..hee~bought a blusher n a wat it seems real effective..hand cream.And..on the way out of the entrance..I saw a friend from a distance..who i dun even expect to see him working as a credit card promoter..(sort of..)He looked so diff with a tie.That wasa frd from my music school i attend last time..I didnt go and say hi though..Well..haha.I was not wearing any make up..So ppl,if u happen to see someone that look like me nxt time,running away from ur direction..YES,dun suspect.Thats me.Hahaha...

And..After two days of rest,TML WORKING LE!!!arhzzz..its to horrible RGN that i dislike..Hate.hope the load is light..Pray hard.Tua Pek Gong Bo Bi~Lol..Mux jia u le tml.WoooHooooo~~~~!!!!!(mad liao)

I wish...

sometimes i wish...
i have enough time for my frds..
my family..

that i should have done more then i should..
i should have work harder....(so i wont regret like i do now)
shouldnt be so flicker minded..(as alot of things have long been decided..)

have more money so that i can provide more for my parents...
tone down on my foul temper that i have..(all along)
also wish that...i have enough bucks to bring my parents overseas to any places they want to...

Why?...Today i was watching tv..my dad was seating beside me in this armchair..I realize i have never looked at him like i did just now.He was dozing off..hair was all white..I didnt know he had so many wrinkles..He had always complaint how tiring his job is..yet i didnt know how his age had slowly caught up with him..At that moment i feel sad..real sad..At his age he should jux retire..Suddenly wIsH..

If only..I have more then what i had now..Would things be better..Less worries..More laughter..My mum wouldnt have nag how life is hard at times too..Yes..I understand..I wish too.Yet again,I could only work hard n extra hard isnt it..LIFE.

Never feel this way..I m a complete fool

..Juz back from flight..What had happened on flight i wont say...Juz that,i feel ultimate tired and depressed now.I am just a very simple person..yet didnt know everything around me can turn so complicated in these past few days.I only want to be happy..that is the only request i can ask..but its getting so hard day by day..Such a simple wish..yet it seem so faraway from me everyday.I did try to think positively..However,i must admit..I hate it.Everything jux return to square one when i thought it turn for the better.(it suxs alot...)

Growing up i encounter so many setbacks but not like what i am going tru now..Sometimes i really wish i had never ever exits..Pretending to be happy everyday..Lying to myself things will eventually be better..(no..it didnt)Laughing when i should be crying at times.Hiding my emotions so well that no one will ever notice...At the end of the day..no one understands..I am so..so..tired now.Dont feel like blogging for the time being...

..Horrible Wheather....hang on to my dear life..

Jux wake up from my sleep from overnight flight..Crews were very nice..If its not of that stupid wheather,i suppose this is the most happiest flight i had so far...(ArrrGhh...haiz~)

You mux have guess what has happened right..Basically throughout the flight it was Bumpy like hell.Into CJB and out of it was the worst actually..I was S3 on that flight.Can u imagine while checking the tons of specials meal with pax in cabin..I felt my feet just flew "on air" so many times..that however,was..not the scareist though.

Out of CJB(India)..(Now the thought of it still give me chills)The plane was taking off and crusing already..Out of nowhere,i saw outside was having thunderstorm,lightnings...I knew i am going to have the ride of my dear life..The plane just shook in a most violent manner i ever imagine!Have been flying so many times..encounter countless bad wheather,but not this BAD!!The plane went up down side way and up then down..repeatedly..(moving dratically)Even the cherry crews at the aft working with me just went silent.(cuz my face turn white,i was about to puke)I was gripping on to my seat so tight that my hand hurts..haha~Rollar coaster ride was also not this bad lo..

Guess that was about it la..the whole horrible horribLE ride.Dont want to recall it anymore le~I need to earse it from my mind..Okies its time to eat..hungry~~~wahaha..update again!!(Life goes on..)

I reaLize...How much I miss out.

tml will be flying to India..Some wulu places.And...Its A OverNight Flight!!!omg..Its been quite sometime i been to India.(Hope I dont get nasty pax)Pray hard~
Okies...Time to update wat i haf been disappearing to all this while...

Life has been such a routine as usual though.Nothing much..Recently the "craving" for singing comes again..Sooooooo long nv touch a mic..Few days ago have been flipping tru all the photos dat my frd took when i took part in all that singing comp few yrs back..gosh..i realize i look diff sia..Haha~So many memories came back all once again..Its been so fun then..Nothing to worry jux sing sing and SinG~

However things do change isn't it...Nv dream i could quit my passion for singing then..go for an interview at dat hotel..for cabin crew..Last minute~Before i realize i went through round aftr round.....Life has been better with no worry for money like last time..Yet i was never happy.....People may envy me for this job..I know deep down this is not what i want..I am not myself at all.I change a whole lot i must admit..Sad?Angry?Or even..Disappointed...?Maybe..I do not know..I don't want to face it..Acting my way through each and everyday........